Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
technically true but not a great slogan
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.