The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My life coach traded me.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.