All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.