I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.