I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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