Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I need better friends
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure