If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount