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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can鈥檛鈥eed to work on my business idea.
Me: What鈥檚 your business idea?
10y/o: I鈥檓 gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I鈥檓 sorry鈥hat?
Go to a doctor?
When there鈥檚 all this free advice on the internet?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Can鈥檛 wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That鈥檚 a whisk I鈥檓 willing to take 馃檪
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The remote does not go next to the TV. That鈥檚 the opposite of why you have a remote.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.