The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
You Might Also Like
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual