There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
You Might Also Like
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed