After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Mornin
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen