wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back