Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.