Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
a god among men
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
rapatouille
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
damn he’s good
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident