I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies