There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.