how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?