I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!