The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Just as the prophecy foretold
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I feel it
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis