Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
fired
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.