ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.