If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet