Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
water it, i dare you
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.