I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*