when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Thoughts
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you