For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The struggle is real
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
can’t talk my ride’s here
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
describing stardew valley
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later