Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.