She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.