You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*frowns in Scottish*