My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.