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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.