I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?