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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion