What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.