Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.