Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
being a writer on Twitter:
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS