[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
You Might Also Like
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*