I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration