my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?