Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it