Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.