ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The internet is magic sometimes.