McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
This makes total sense…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge