Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.