My dog ate my work from home.
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.