The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.