*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You Might Also Like
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Every haunted house movie:
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter