Got him!
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I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
God has left this place
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood