I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Something Saturday.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.