MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.